My junkie thinking is overwhelming me. I have a million things that I need to do and all I can think about is smoking. I have not smoked now for fifteen hours and I want to say I am done and I know that I am done, but that voice in my head that will not be quite keeps telling me that I may need/want to smoke just a little more and maybe if I just pick the right time of day to smoke and maybe if I just smoke a little less today than I did yesterday than I wont want one as bad tomorrow. But right now, in this moment, i want nicotine much less than i would if I smoked another cigarette. Right now the addiction is calling to me and its voice is loud in my ear. But I know right now, right at this very moment, I have the upper hand because right now I am NOT smoking. I have slept since my last hit of nicotine and I have eaten and I have woken up and I have gotten something done. Not a lot, but something besides smoking. I hate this addiction. I hate the control it has over me and my emotions and my frame of mind. I hate the influence it has over my life and over everyone that depends on me and who cares about me. I am tired of not succeeding in this, almost succeeding but always falling just a little short. I am ready to be smoke free and through these first seventy-two hours. Once I get through that time, I know I can make it. I love my children and I don't want to age prematurely because of this addiction. I don't want my kids to grow up and think that smoking is normal because, I who am supposed to set their example for everything good as a grownup have shown them that smoking is safe. Why would their mother show them something that is not safe?!!Who smokes and really loves it? Who does? really anyone? Does anyone really love smelling like crap, looking like crap and feeling like crap because of this addiction... No the only thing that is enjoyable about smoking is putting yourself in nicotine withdrawal just to smoke to let yourself out of the withdrawal phase again temporarily. Please, I do hate smoking and this addiction so much. Yet it calls to me right now. Right now and right now. But right now I am stronger than this addiction because right now I am not smoking. Please G-d help me.
I hate this addiction, but I do love my children. Please let my love for them be stronger than my addiction. Please G-d help me.